Okay, seriously. Level with me here.
Why the hell didn't you tell us? Did you really think it was wise to send two semi-retarded girls into that state? Really? It didn't occur to you to just slip a small, discreet warning something along the lines of "DO NOT FUCKING GO TO LOUISIANA!" to us?
We really could have used that warning. Apparently everyone else but us is aware of the fact that the entire state is the sketchiest piece of sketch that ever did sketch. We didn't figure it out until about halfway through the state.
Me: I'm bored. Fix it.
Ang: Okay, we'll backroad it.
And with that, we took an exit, and began backroading through Louisiana. It seemed pretty nice, actually. Isaac had come through, or was supposed to be hurricaning or something, so there was a light rain that produced rainbows all over the place. I may have called Isaac a pussy. I may have also screamed it out the window, shaking my fist.
I pull into a gas station, and immediately people are looking at us. We probably should have just kept driving, but we're dumb. We go in, and I headed for the bathroom. When I came out, Ang was standing by the door, staring at me wide-eyed.
Me:"Uh, is everything okay?"
Ang, whispering: "We need to leave. NOW. LEAVING NOW. RUNNING."
So I book it to the car with her, and as she gets in, she starts yelling at me.
"YOU ARE NOT DRIVING. DRIVE FASTER. WHY ARE YOU NOT DRIVING FAST ENOUGH! I SAID FASTER! NOW!"
As we peeled out of there, she recounted the story of a guy who came in and apparently told her that she is a fine woman, asked where her husband is, told her that he'd make a better one, and rubbed her back. She was trying to buy some snacks, and kept entering her pin wrong because he was scaring her so badly. She was stuck at the register longer, and then stuck waiting for me to come out of the bathroom with the car keys. In the meantime, the lady at the register told her that she hated that guy because he does that to every woman who comes in. Lovely.
We kept on driving, and we noticed that all buildings were either a church, a dollar general, or a dollar tree. Seriously, that's all there was. Church, church, dollar tree, church, sonic!, church, church, church, church, dollar general, Church's Chicken, church.
It was all sketchtastic. The case investigator for the car accident we had called, and wanted to speak to me. Ang distracted her for a while until I pulled into a sketchy gas station. I talked to the lady, found out that all of the information that we had told the inital data person was not actually entered, and had to re-tell all of the license plates and people and insurance numbers. I had a great time with it.
Me: "T as in taco, B as in bouncy, K as in Constantinople --"
Ang: "Uh, Constantinople begins with a C, not a K."
Me: ::pointing to notebook:: "That's a C?!"
Ang: "No. That's a K. Like Kangaroo, not Constantinople."
Me: "Okay, pretend Constantinople begins with a K, and that was the letter on the license plate."
I finish up, and go into the sketchstation to poop. I peruse the beer selection for some microbrew to bring back to Jim and spot a case of something that I only remembered as Lazy Magnolia by the time I got back to Ang. I told her to go get me the beer, because she had the money, and I couldn't show my face after what I had done to the bathroom.
A while later, she gets back in the car, and glowers at me and told me that the next time I ask her to get some beer, do NOT tell her what the tiny font says on the front, tell her what the giant letters say. She had to go talk to the sketchattendant to figure out wtf beer I wanted, and it went something like this:
Ang: "Uh, my friend saw a case of beer called Lazy Magnolia. Or something. Any idea what she was looking at?"
Sketchattendant: "Ummm...no. White or black?"
Ang: "What?"
Sketchattendant: "Your friend. Is she white or black?
Ang: "...She's white."
Sketchattendant: "Whew, I don't know."
They eventually find a case of beer that says SOUTHERN PECAN ALE in giant letters, and Lazy Magnolia in tiny letters.
Sketchattendant: "Wow, nobody has ever bought that beer before."
Ang: "Yeah, sorry, we're grabbing craft beer from around the country to bring back to our boyfriends."
Sketchattendant: "Oh. Well, I hope you're not gonna cross state lines with that."
Ang: "...Why?"
Sketchattendant: "Because y'all are bootleggin'. And that's illegal."
With that, we got back on the sketchy highway, and went perfectly the speed limit. As we drove along, Ang saw a sign for Tallulah, which is mentioned in a song that she knew of. We were starving, so we pulled in to see if there was anything to eat. Google immediately popped up with numerous restaurant choices: McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Sonic, Church's Chicken... Really? It was nice at first, but then we entered the town, did a square, realized the whole place was probably the murder capital of the world, and fled. Fast. Screaming. As we drove out of there, Voltaire's "Ex-Lover's Lover" started playing from the iPod, and the lyrics include a chorus of "Die, die, diediediedie, die die die, watch them die."
We realized that all of the rest areas had tiny little signs that said "NO SECURITY PROVIDED" on them, and they were completely deserted. There was ONE that said "24 HOUR ATTENDANT" and it was PACKED.
We were starving, and realized that we could not stop, or stay, or even pause anywhere in the state without being murdered. So, thanks for the warnings, guys. We probably would have eaten back in Texas and detoured above the whole state if we had known Louisiana was such a steaming pile of sketch.
We had to book a really nice hotel in Alabama to finally feel safe enough to sleep. The hotel was gorgeous, and Ang went in to check in while I grabbed our crap. She came back out, and she saw me holding the bag that contained George "Popcorn" Paddles, the cactus.
Ang: "HAHAHA. Oh my god."
Me: "What? George will be all alone if we leave him out here. Plus, I think he's moldy."
Ang: "Wait, why is he moldy?"
Me: "He looked thirsty!"
Ang: "You...watered the cactus? And then closed the bag? And then put it in the back of the car? Really?"
Me: "DON'T JUDGE US."
Ang: "Anyway. I was laughing because when they asked if we had any pets, I told him that we didn't unless he counted your cactus friend, which is probably staying in the car. Now I'll have to tell him that George is coming with us."
Me: "He bites."
We went inside, and I told him that we had to bring in the moldy cactus. I got to talking about how sketchy Louisiana is, and he told us that, "Oh, Louisiana is sketchy on a GOOD day."
"Seriously? Even you know it's sketchy?"
"Who doesn't?"
...The next morning, a different lady checked us out, and we reiterated that we had a nice stay, and needed somewhere safe away from Louisiana because it was so sketchy. Without skipping a beat she responded, "True story."
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